Something Is Wrong

I am starting this blog to help me with my journey to healing from being raised in a family with maternal Narcissism.  I had difficulty with my relationship with my mother most of my life.  I loved my mom and when I was a child she would always tell me I was the "apple of her eye."   I thought that meant she really loved me and she was letting me know I was her favorite.  I am the oldest and I have two younger sisters.  When I was very young, I just enjoyed the attention.  As I got older, I began to wonder what kind of mother has a favorite child.  Where does that leave my sisters?   Do they know that mom says I am "the apple of her eye?"   I was always the perfect daughter.  I tried to do everything right.  I did not give my mother a hard time and I never talked back.  I tried to be perfect at all times...

As I got older, I found it was more difficult to have a relationship with my mother.  She seemed too busy to have time for me.  Our relationship worked  if I made her look good and I did not take up any of her time.  I could never have a heart to heart conversation with my mother.  If she did know something I had shared with her, I would later learn that she used that against me.  So I learned not to Trust.  I still have issues with trusting to this day.

As an adult, I spent 20 years on and off in therapy trying to fix my relationship with my mother.  I kept thinking something was wrong with me.  Why could I not have the relationship where my mother cared for me and knew who I was as a person?  I know that till this day my mom does not really know who I am and what I truly value.  She sees me as a failure because I have chosen my own path different from hers.  That was the struggle.  I just wanted to be my own person with my own likes, values and my own ideas.  The more I wanted to be my own person, the more I had difficulty with my relationship with my mother.  I was finally getting that I could not fix that relationship.  That I just needed to realize it was what is was and I would never have the relationship I wanted.

Then one day I was browsing at Barnes and Noble and I ran across the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by Dr. Karyl McBride.  The title is what caught my attention because I realized that is exactly how I felt with my mom.  No matter what I did I always felt like I was never good enough.
If you think you might be dealing with maternal narcissism I strongly recommend you read Drl McBride's book.  This is a link to her book:

 http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/will-i-ever-be-good-enough-karyl-mcbride/1103367040?ean=9781439129432

I feel like this book started me on my journey to healing from maternal narcissism.  I have come to understand more about this and that it is multi-generational.  I wanted to learn what I could and I did not want to pass this legacy on to my own children.   So I continue to learn what I can and try to understand all I can about maternal narcissism......